Yin and Yang...a reversal of roles

Reversal of roles...Yin and Yang

I wonder if you have noticed that around middle age, there is a different set of emotions that men and women seem to have to deal with. Men begin to develop their capacity for relationships and come to terms with emotions, vulnerability, and needs, while women begin to become more decisive and action oriented and in the process, want to claim their independence, courage, power and wisdom. So around midlife, women seem to to be called to decide and do, while men are called to nurture.

This process is also called the "switch forties". You will notice how men in the roles of husbands and fathers begin a return to the values of home and family, as they get drained from their years in the 'work' world. At the same time, women as wives and mothers whose children are leaving home, begin to experience a pull towards the world of work. A switching of roles is taking place, but often we don't recognise it as such and call it the empty nest syndrome or the midlife crisis etc. A woman who has been in the care-taking role begins to want to establish her own independence through action and accomplishments. An impetus is provided to seeking employment, education, or a career.

While a man has often had enough of work and career, and recognizes the stifling effect on his personal development. So he now needs to open himself to relationships and emotions, but when he does, he finds no one at home, as the children are now independent and on their way out of the family, by way of work or college while his wife who may have eagerly sought his companionship earlier, when he was "too busy", is now, pursueing a business or life of her own.

The potential for significant relationship conflicts arises now, as these two people are crossing paths on different trajectories. They are moving towards the earlier interests of the other. Each person is in the process of integrating the opposite masculine or feminine energy. Men must incorporate the inner feminine with its call for relatedness while women must respond to the inner masculine and the need for action.

Thus Anima and Animus or Yin and Yang energies, can influence a person in either a positive or negative manner. If a man is under the influence of the positive anima, he will show tenderness, patience, consideration, and compassion. The negative anima manifests as vanity, moodiness, bitchiness, and sensitivity to hurt feelings. A woman with a positive animus shows assertiveness, control, thoughtful rationality, and compassionate strength. The negative animus reveals itself in strong opinions, ruthlessness, destructive forces, and "always the last word". While both men and women are on the path to their own integration, they must struggle with the interpersonal ramifications of the anima and the animus.

This process can be further complicated by cultural influences. The impact of the early women’s movement motivated women to leave the home for the work place. In doing so, these women had to take on a traditional masculine role if they were to succeed. They had to become competitive and more assertive. They had to internalize their emotions and be more "logical." As a result, these women at midlife may find that they have already developed the animus or the masculine energy. What they need to do is to integrate the feminine back into their lives. The men who have worked at being "liberated" have developed their feminine side and may need to catch up on the masculine.

The question that most of us face at this time is how can we blend the yin and yang in us, to benefit from it, than allow it to destroy us?...my struggle continues....

ACCEPTING GENEROSITY

Ever wondered if you are comfortable with generosity?Recently I was faced with a situation that made me think about this. I consider myself a fairly generous person and am ever grateful for kindnesses that are offered to me too...

Sometimes its hard to search for GOOD in a gift, but that's the beauty of it, if you search well enough you will find Good in it.

Often, I don't know how to handle some of it, but I have been brought up to acknowlege such acts and more importantly appreciate them.

So when I gift, I am usually just expressing my love and care and not looking for reciprocity or favours in return and so do not expect the reciever to react unfavourably. A short thankyou is more than enough for me. However, there have been occasions when you have been gifted something you ABHOR or do not want. Have you curbed your reactions and accepted them with grace and dignity or do you then immediately express your dislike and return the gift or make the other squirm for having even tried?

There could be a million reasons for being unaccepting....ranging from dislike for the person to not liking the waste of money and effort, to not liking the gift itself and expecting something more akin to your taste or value...and to finally not wanting to feel obliged. But my question is shouldn't you be graceful and magnanimous in your acceptance?....

I think it is a privilege to be a giver and a greater one to recieve.

But to say 'thank you' is a great quality to have and cultivate or learn and one that will not diminish your dignity...in fact it enhances your personality. Accepting gifts graciously is as important as giving them. It’s the completion of the heart’s transaction.Sometimes it’s just knowing that you are thought of by someone who stopped his or her own life long enough to appreciate yours.

Accept it with grace.

Why is it difficult to accept that most of us lead Double lives?

Why is it so difficult for us to accept that most of us lead double lives? Psychologists claim that a large number of people are living in 2 separate worlds, captured in their own dreams, fantasy, lies, shame and guilt that eventually power them into behavior which is way too different from their daily lifestyle. Having a secret life is not as unusual or abnormal as you may think.

A vast majority of people will live a double life at some point or the other.  Increasingly,  seemingly ordinary men and women sometimes hide extraordinary secrets from those closest to them: their families, friends and co-workers.

The question is what happens when this behavior takes over, damaging careers, breaking families and, sometimes, ruining the lives of many people?
It is when a person cannot include two inconsistent, reverse factors of a characteristic that we see aberrations and then all hell breaks loose.  So when we are not able to balance the two different lives we end up with having to lie to save one or other.  To some extent, duality can be found in most of our lives. We all have some special fantasies that are usually harmless, but only, until they become reality.
Fantasies are often personal and secret, and not hazardous. Everyone has fantasies, and usually they are lively, playful and forward-looking. You think about yourself in a different profession or imagine yourself as super popular athlete or super model or something like that. You would agree that its not unusual, for most regular, well-adjusted individuals to have a public self and a personal self, however some individuals get carried away when discovering the other part of their personality, developing a scenario that is risky and dangerous.
This can become  an obsession sometimes, excessive or unreasonable, and then is done without much respect or thought for the repercussions. Sometimes the risky dual lifestyle can also be a form of self-sabotage found in people who don’t feel they can successful or satisfied.
Sometimes when their duality unravels, and the person is captured and their secrets exposed, they could also be crying out for help. They simply don't know how to end the activities which have become problematic. It could be gambling or having numerous affairs or some other distressing habit and needs to be checked before it spins out of control.
As much as onlookers may feel it is a self determined action that really got the person into trouble, we also have to understand that the strange behavior is beyond their control. In the most shocking scenarios, these dual lives lead to criminal acts, violence and, sometimes, even murder.
Trying to understand why people lead double lives made me realize that often these people have been forced as children to live double lives.  In most case the man or woman learned very early on, to separate emotional pain, often of sadness and anger. Sometimes that meant hiding the truth from others, but frequently, it also meant, hiding the truth from themselves. A child who is treated with cruelty by his parents, for example, may well bury feelings of desperation and rage simply to get through each day. A child who is psychologically injured again and again, whether by loss or violence, may develop the ability to depart from reality, in order to protect himself from the full impact of those traumas.
It is these children, who when become adults,  retain the “ability” and inclination to slip the trappings of their own existences and write new life stories, almost without regard for their old lives. It is often the ones that couldn’t bear the truth, when they were most vulnerable, that remain comfortable or immune from it, at a great distance.
In almost ALL cases, the strategy never works. Pretending to be a different person may keep one’s demons at bay for months or years, but the underlying trouble in that individual’s soul will manifest itself, given time. You can’t outdistance the past. The truth wins every time.
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people, simultaneously. Another reason for double lives is perhaps, the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily and so seek new and exciting propositions faster. Often sociopaths simply love the game, of moving from one to the other in a kind of “duping delight.”