Becoming A Hermit

 Have you noticed how these days becoming a hermit has been the only way for everyone. Meditation has become the go-to remedy for any ailment. COVID19 enforced isolation wasn't easy to adhere to, but there was no other way...no one wanted to get close to you when you had the virus. Caring had been outsourced, you no longer got Doctors examining you, they were only available to be consulted on Video. 

You had to learn to self- care, self-serve and preserve or perish. 

Having had the Virus in November 2020, I thought I had seen it at its worst, but what did I know. The second wave was even more lethal and contagious and spared no one. My Mother in Law in London didn't get it but she had pneumonia that caught her lungs and filled it with pleurisy. At 95, she fought well but alas, this was persistent and way stronger than all the drugs she was administered. 10th April 2021 Sheela Khanna, the feisty Dalhousie girl had to give in to a stubborn pneumonia.

The Khanna Clan had lost its reigning Matriarch, not to COVID 19 though.  Just a few weeks later, COVID struck closer home. Sahil was down, as was one of Deepak's Older Sisters. She was in Hospital and I refused to let Sahil go to one. After all I was COVID-Proofed and partially vaccinated.

So from 23rd of April began our ordeal battling with bacteria and viruses that were playing dirty games. Isolation was the last thing on my mind, don't get me wrong, Sahil had been confined to his room reluctantly but I wasn't going to subject him to the severe isolation I had undergone, just four months ago. I will care for him and ensure his bed was clean, as were his surroundings and he too, getting him to bathe everyday was a big struggle.

The high fever was scary, scary beyond imagination. My mind was playing games...to Sahil I would give the impression that all was 'Normal' and privately I would panic. Reaching out to doctors and friends to understand what I was doing that was wrong. But the fever raged on and subsided only when we dosed it round the clock with Paracetamol and Meftal. Late night consultations with friends gave us that discovery that it had to be given in rotation and Meftal was the trick.

I would often find Sahil in a pool of sweat after a high feverish bout. Sheets had to be changed frequently and he had to be bathed in ice several times. As I donned my Flo Nightingale role I realised this was back breaking, I had to cook and clean and walk and feed our Furry Maximus three times too. In addition I had to look after myself too ensuring I don't fall ill either. Then there was the staff, who had to stay away from Sahil's room and Sahil and yet come to work else I was alone in my crusade. 

Deepak's flight, visa, and trip was all on me. I was working the phone overtime, talking to friends in MEA, the BHC through Sanjoy Roy and the VFS and then there was AIR INDIA and its limited flights. We had made several cancellations due to the Visa and impossible to get RTPCR tests. What a month, obtaining the visa took a huge toll, Mataji died before we could get the visa and then when we did we almost missed the funeral too.

Thanks to a very patient Sanjoy Roy, an ailing Sonia Bhalla and an indulgent and even more calm Shashi Veliathan I managed to get him on board the AI flight to the UK on 18th April. It was a Herculian task and one I nearly failed at, but by the grace of all my friends who rallied around we did make it possible for Deepak to attend his mother's funeral.

Back to the problems at home ..soon we were confident that Sahil will sail through until one night after two days of No Fever we had the mother of all Fevers at 103.7 !!!
I did not know what to do apart from drenching the poor lad in ice cold compresses and still not moving the mercury a notch. the treating doctor too told me he couldn't understand this pattern and he was withdrawing his consult. 
My go-to-when-I-panic Doctor had scared me that night by telling me that Sahil needs Oxygen support and a hospital bed IMMEDIATELY and that I will lose him if I didn't shift him PRONTO.

I Panicked. I cried. Quietly. In my Room. Then I called Ragini, Nina, Sudipto Anshu, Sonia, and anyone who could give me any solid advice. Finally Sahil suggested I find Dr A Kishore to ask for help. Phew !! What luck that Dr Kishore advised me about the meds and then also hooked me up with Dr Viny Kantroo at Apollo and what a Godsend she turned out to be.

First we argued about hospitalisation and I flatly refused to entertain the idea. I also had to find an Oxygen Generator ASAP and I reached out to Amitabh Kant in my Panic and he sent one immediately and before that Sahil's friend Vrinda sent her personal one to save Sahil who was critical by now.
Back to Dr Kantroo who got off on a wrong foot with us first but then realised my predicament and came around to being on call and trusting in my nursing abilities to swing Sahil in the good way soon.

It took us two weeks post Covid, to be rid of Covid....Meanwhile, Deepak's sister was battling in hospital for her life...80% lung damage. She died on 22 May. Almost a month after she fell ill.

My neighbour upstairs too had Covid and Maya had been taken to hospital around 23 April and never returned, leaving behind two very young numbed daughters and husband.

In these struggles, what I learnt was NOT to become a hermit. Share. Share. Share .... for in the sharing is the learning. every experience teaches you something new. For instance, if I had not shared my anxiety with fellow sufferers, I wouldn't have learnt to crack the fever code with Meftal. I wouldn't have got an Oxygen Generator. 

Yin and Yang...a reversal of roles

Reversal of roles...Yin and Yang

I wonder if you have noticed that around middle age, there is a different set of emotions that men and women seem to have to deal with. Men begin to develop their capacity for relationships and come to terms with emotions, vulnerability, and needs, while women begin to become more decisive and action oriented and in the process, want to claim their independence, courage, power and wisdom. So around midlife, women seem to to be called to decide and do, while men are called to nurture.

This process is also called the "switch forties". You will notice how men in the roles of husbands and fathers begin a return to the values of home and family, as they get drained from their years in the 'work' world. At the same time, women as wives and mothers whose children are leaving home, begin to experience a pull towards the world of work. A switching of roles is taking place, but often we don't recognise it as such and call it the empty nest syndrome or the midlife crisis etc. A woman who has been in the care-taking role begins to want to establish her own independence through action and accomplishments. An impetus is provided to seeking employment, education, or a career.

While a man has often had enough of work and career, and recognizes the stifling effect on his personal development. So he now needs to open himself to relationships and emotions, but when he does, he finds no one at home, as the children are now independent and on their way out of the family, by way of work or college while his wife who may have eagerly sought his companionship earlier, when he was "too busy", is now, pursueing a business or life of her own.

The potential for significant relationship conflicts arises now, as these two people are crossing paths on different trajectories. They are moving towards the earlier interests of the other. Each person is in the process of integrating the opposite masculine or feminine energy. Men must incorporate the inner feminine with its call for relatedness while women must respond to the inner masculine and the need for action.

Thus Anima and Animus or Yin and Yang energies, can influence a person in either a positive or negative manner. If a man is under the influence of the positive anima, he will show tenderness, patience, consideration, and compassion. The negative anima manifests as vanity, moodiness, bitchiness, and sensitivity to hurt feelings. A woman with a positive animus shows assertiveness, control, thoughtful rationality, and compassionate strength. The negative animus reveals itself in strong opinions, ruthlessness, destructive forces, and "always the last word". While both men and women are on the path to their own integration, they must struggle with the interpersonal ramifications of the anima and the animus.

This process can be further complicated by cultural influences. The impact of the early women’s movement motivated women to leave the home for the work place. In doing so, these women had to take on a traditional masculine role if they were to succeed. They had to become competitive and more assertive. They had to internalize their emotions and be more "logical." As a result, these women at midlife may find that they have already developed the animus or the masculine energy. What they need to do is to integrate the feminine back into their lives. The men who have worked at being "liberated" have developed their feminine side and may need to catch up on the masculine.

The question that most of us face at this time is how can we blend the yin and yang in us, to benefit from it, than allow it to destroy us?...my struggle continues....

ACCEPTING GENEROSITY

Ever wondered if you are comfortable with generosity?Recently I was faced with a situation that made me think about this. I consider myself a fairly generous person and am ever grateful for kindnesses that are offered to me too...

Sometimes its hard to search for GOOD in a gift, but that's the beauty of it, if you search well enough you will find Good in it.

Often, I don't know how to handle some of it, but I have been brought up to acknowlege such acts and more importantly appreciate them.

So when I gift, I am usually just expressing my love and care and not looking for reciprocity or favours in return and so do not expect the reciever to react unfavourably. A short thankyou is more than enough for me. However, there have been occasions when you have been gifted something you ABHOR or do not want. Have you curbed your reactions and accepted them with grace and dignity or do you then immediately express your dislike and return the gift or make the other squirm for having even tried?

There could be a million reasons for being unaccepting....ranging from dislike for the person to not liking the waste of money and effort, to not liking the gift itself and expecting something more akin to your taste or value...and to finally not wanting to feel obliged. But my question is shouldn't you be graceful and magnanimous in your acceptance?....

I think it is a privilege to be a giver and a greater one to recieve.

But to say 'thank you' is a great quality to have and cultivate or learn and one that will not diminish your dignity...in fact it enhances your personality. Accepting gifts graciously is as important as giving them. It’s the completion of the heart’s transaction.Sometimes it’s just knowing that you are thought of by someone who stopped his or her own life long enough to appreciate yours.

Accept it with grace.

Why is it difficult to accept that most of us lead Double lives?

Why is it so difficult for us to accept that most of us lead double lives? Psychologists claim that a large number of people are living in 2 separate worlds, captured in their own dreams, fantasy, lies, shame and guilt that eventually power them into behavior which is way too different from their daily lifestyle. Having a secret life is not as unusual or abnormal as you may think.

A vast majority of people will live a double life at some point or the other.  Increasingly,  seemingly ordinary men and women sometimes hide extraordinary secrets from those closest to them: their families, friends and co-workers.

The question is what happens when this behavior takes over, damaging careers, breaking families and, sometimes, ruining the lives of many people?
It is when a person cannot include two inconsistent, reverse factors of a characteristic that we see aberrations and then all hell breaks loose.  So when we are not able to balance the two different lives we end up with having to lie to save one or other.  To some extent, duality can be found in most of our lives. We all have some special fantasies that are usually harmless, but only, until they become reality.
Fantasies are often personal and secret, and not hazardous. Everyone has fantasies, and usually they are lively, playful and forward-looking. You think about yourself in a different profession or imagine yourself as super popular athlete or super model or something like that. You would agree that its not unusual, for most regular, well-adjusted individuals to have a public self and a personal self, however some individuals get carried away when discovering the other part of their personality, developing a scenario that is risky and dangerous.
This can become  an obsession sometimes, excessive or unreasonable, and then is done without much respect or thought for the repercussions. Sometimes the risky dual lifestyle can also be a form of self-sabotage found in people who don’t feel they can successful or satisfied.
Sometimes when their duality unravels, and the person is captured and their secrets exposed, they could also be crying out for help. They simply don't know how to end the activities which have become problematic. It could be gambling or having numerous affairs or some other distressing habit and needs to be checked before it spins out of control.
As much as onlookers may feel it is a self determined action that really got the person into trouble, we also have to understand that the strange behavior is beyond their control. In the most shocking scenarios, these dual lives lead to criminal acts, violence and, sometimes, even murder.
Trying to understand why people lead double lives made me realize that often these people have been forced as children to live double lives.  In most case the man or woman learned very early on, to separate emotional pain, often of sadness and anger. Sometimes that meant hiding the truth from others, but frequently, it also meant, hiding the truth from themselves. A child who is treated with cruelty by his parents, for example, may well bury feelings of desperation and rage simply to get through each day. A child who is psychologically injured again and again, whether by loss or violence, may develop the ability to depart from reality, in order to protect himself from the full impact of those traumas.
It is these children, who when become adults,  retain the “ability” and inclination to slip the trappings of their own existences and write new life stories, almost without regard for their old lives. It is often the ones that couldn’t bear the truth, when they were most vulnerable, that remain comfortable or immune from it, at a great distance.
In almost ALL cases, the strategy never works. Pretending to be a different person may keep one’s demons at bay for months or years, but the underlying trouble in that individual’s soul will manifest itself, given time. You can’t outdistance the past. The truth wins every time.
Sociopaths are social predators who live their lives by exploiting others. When sociopaths live double lives, the prime reason is probably because it enables them to exploit multiple people, simultaneously. Another reason for double lives is perhaps, the promiscuity of sociopaths. Most sociopaths have a high appetite for sex, amazing stamina, and get bored easily and so seek new and exciting propositions faster. Often sociopaths simply love the game, of moving from one to the other in a kind of “duping delight.”

My Address to freshers at JMC 2010

My address to freshers at JMC 2010 Gosh!!  nothing seems different....there you are and here I am...this is where I stood for many days for three years of my life, leading assembly some 29 years ago, when I was your age.
Sister Marina John, members of the Faculty, parents of meritorious students and friends,
It is indeed an honour for me to be here once again, this time as a guest, this morning at my alma mater. A heartfelt thank you, for inviting me to this Parent Teacher Student association meet.  
I have the unique privilege today of saying this to you, that before any of you students were born, I was studying in Jesus & Mary College.
Twenty-nine years ago, when I walked into the portals of this college, seeking to mould myself into being significant and spectacular,  I was then, like many of you today, a teenaged, naive and yet “know it all” girl. College was my ticket to freedom, to being finally counted as an Adult.
I had secured admission to not one, but to three elite colleges of Delhi! The colleges were St Stephen’s, Lady Sri Ram and Jesus and Mary, with JMC being last on my priority list. But just before I was to make up my mind finally, I decided to check JMC out very grudgingly.
I walked in very sure that I would reject it outright....after all, having always been in co-ed schools, why would I settle for an all girls college... and specially for one that sounded severely austere and monastic!.
Well, I was in for the surprise of my life....walking down the corridors of Jesus and Mary college, I noticed the walls were clean, the floors were cleaner, and the corridors were silent....there were sounds, but they were muffled and there were no paan stains, no beedi stubs, no crumpled paper, the place was absolutely sanitized ..... and in the classrooms....there were whole desks and chairs, not benches and broken furniture.... and the window panes, were all intact...not one broken or hanging on its hinges....
I was convinced that I was in the wrong place...how can this be a college, this was worse than the most disciplined convent school. Absolutely sure that this was not going to be my choice, I happily traipsed down the isolated corridor only to stop to watch, as someone was walking down purposefully from the other end. She was tall, and her robes were flapping behind her as she strode down the corridor, each foot making a clicking sound as it touched the clean floor. She was very sure of herself and looked like she owned the place. Behind her there was a huge dog, no maybe it was a calf...no no, it moved rather quickly and it most certainly looked like a dog.
I just stood there, mesmerised by her stride and waited as she approached...soon I was looking up at her and I saw these steel grey blue eyes, that belonged to a tall Nun in a grey habit. In her firm voice, she asked me what I was doing in her college and how she could help me. I was not going to be scared by a nun, or at least show her that I was, even if she was rather tall, so I said well, I am here to check your college out. I was taken aback when she said, Come to my room. I followed her up to the room, not knowing she was the Principal. That afternoon, I spent time with a most fascinating woman. Her conversation with me touched on the most bizarre and unexpected topics, we shared knowledge of each other’s lives and she told me of how she gave up her successful business in Ireland to become a nun and her love for India. She was Sister Agatha McLoughlin and if there was one singular reason for me to be in JMC, it was because of her.
She was an angel, but also a stern task master, which we discovered to our consternation, a few months later and of course she was difficult to please, as some Principals can be, but she was also surprisingly the most popular Principal of Delhi University, the only one with Groucho beside her. Groucho was the calf I mentioned earlier, I mean the sheep dog. She was most popular among the boys who came to our festivals and who, despite getting their ears pulled for plucking flowers from her garden to present to her, would be invited to share cake and tea with her. That was Sister Agatha, even today I am surprised when I meet grown men who tell me about their special relationship with her....well, we did keep in touch intermittently for many years, till she passed way.
If you are wondering why I am sharing all this with you today...it is to let you know that this college and the time I spent here was the most exhilarating and I had a blast...never once did I regret not going to St Stephen’s, (that was on the top of my wish list) nor to LSR (which I was sure was not for me). Suffice to say, that three years flew by and I lived each moment thoroughly...packing it with activities, academics and much drama...that, as you know by now, you never run short of, in an all girls college.
I won’t bore you with details of many funny incidents that my batch mates and I, often chuckle over. Like all batches before us and those that followed, we too were given up on, by our teachers, who dreaded what we would become, because we were more out of class, than in it. But we charmed our professors with all we had, whether it was fighting with them to have a festival with boys visiting us or a play or a rock show or even skip the mandatory tutorial occasionally. I can see many teachers still here, who taught me, and I should tell you that many of the alumni, still remember each of you fondly, as we exchanges notes often.
Incidentally, we also had the good fortune of having the first male professor in our time. I know you’re probably thinking, what’s the big deal about that, but for us and for Perdie as he was lovingly called, it was a big deal. He was the centre of many of our pranks which he graciously and laughingly endured, from mass bunking of his classes, to his shoelaces being tied, to make him fall.
Yes, we did manage to tie his laces one time.....But, make no mistake, we were also a charming bunch of girls...and so charming that this male professor, Perdie, went on to marry one of us and she now is a Professor with you. I leave it to you to find out, if you don’t know by now, who she is.
Well, girls, the one big mistake many of us make is to take our college experience for granted, as just a small step between high school and the real world. I hope you don’t make that mistake. This is the best period of your life and don’t let anything or anyone take that away from you...along with great learnings,  you get to experience, to live and to make your own choices... Up to this point in your lives, most things have been decided for you. Although you may have been getting plenty of advice on what to do or choose for you future, from now on, it is up to you to choose. I say make a choice when you are fully awake, a choice that is informed by your heart and not by what others say or think or believe.
It’s sad that people don't look at college education as “schooling for life”. College has become a kind of a rat-race; the value of a degree is often based on social perception rather than concrete education. The nicer the college one is accepted by, the better it looks on your resume, and the more likely you are, to get a job — at least, thus goes the general belief.
There is a strong conviction among most young people and it’s not entirely misplaced, that the choice of college and the subjects chosen, will shape their lives. My personal belief is that everything around you, shapes and colours your life and most of it is done in your mind, your thoughts make you what you are and what you become. I am saddened to see many pursuing higher education, because they have nothing better to do, specially young women, who often end up seeking a degree, of least interest to them, in the hope of biding time before a predictable and arranged marriage.
In our pursuit of more, and more, one doesn’t remember to live with values that were once taught to us. This is critical to our development as a generation and as a people - the learning, of how to live your life, how to be true and honest to yourself, to your potential and to people around you. It begins here, at college when you are not being constantly monitored, tutored or relentlessly told what and how to do. This is where you actually begin to shape your future and this where you need to be extra conscious of your surroundings, of your readings, of the people in your life and of course your goals. Make no mistake, in college, you do gain a wealth of knowledge, learn to think in more complex ways, and begin to come into your own as a young adult. My advice to you, don’t get involved in more activities than you can handle and spread yourself too thin, be realistic and give priority to your goals.
But I do say, use your college education and the associations and friends therein, to help you master the TEXT BOOK OF LIFE. Our contribution to the world, will not be measured by the money we make or the accolades we receive, but rather by the way in which we share our unique gifts with the world. Today's achievements, (and many of you are here for the special recognition that the University of Delhi confers on you) may fade or even be forgotten. The applause may become a distant memory and your certificates and medals may gather dust on a shelf or in a drawer. But, you will always be remembered for caring enough, for helping someone, for making someone feel special and appreciated and for being the kind of person that others enjoy spending time with.
So Ladies, as you face and tackle the inevitable changes that will unfold in your lives, hold true to yourself. Remember to hold onto your value system, your work ethic and most importantly, your humanity. It is these qualities that will guide you further, on your journey. Channelize these into making your life, an act of grace.
While you move on to greater achievements, I hope you will also take time out, to thank your parents for the sacrifices they make every day to give you this unique experience of higher education. For, without their support and encouragement, you will not travel far.
Gratitude in larger measure, should also go to the faculty and management, of institutes such as JMC, which create and shape, thinking individuals, humane and caring individuals, such as you.
So in the end, I can only suggest to you here, to choose well..
choose to share and partake,
choose to be fearless and true,
choose to honour and regard
and choose to live a life full of relish and involvement.
Let me leave you with a quotation from John Updike...”You cannot help but learn more, as you take the world into your hands.  Take it up reverently, for it is an old piece of clay, with millions of thumbprints on it. “
Fear not errors and omissions that you will make, but enjoy the exposure and glory in it all ! Your life is a fabulous opportunity  - I have no doubt that you will make the best of it!
Thank you.

When love makes your soul hurt
A hurt that your soul craves
A pain that your soul desires
An addiction your soul cannot love without

That is how you know you have found your soul mate 

....life seems to always throw up some weird moments....which give you learnings as you ramble on...last night as I battled with those demons.... the demons that often occupy your mind as you bring the shutters down on the day...those stubborn guys who refuse to rest....I wondered where I was going...then suddenly it occurred to me that it was all a part of my larger learning to become a better human being....

I have had a particularly blessed existence.. no critical depravations....I have got most of what ever I desired....not talking of material things but things like peace, contentment, and most of all LOVE.....I have always had a reservoir full of that....friends and family....giving me most generously...always ....